It seems like most of my updates lately are fertility-related ones, and you know what, I’m okay with it. This is the main event in my life right now- well, at least one I feel comfortable sharing publicly- so I’m just going to keep spilling my little heart out over it.
I wanted to address a very commonly asked question:
Why aren’t you adopting? There are so many kids in the world who need love, why can’t you just go that route?
While I have no problem answering openly from my end, I do want to preface this entire post by reminding you that family planning is a very personal experience for each family. And, not everyone is okay with answering questions that can feel just plain….intrusive, honestly.
Here’s my main beef with the question:
I don’t hear people ask straight couples this when they tell people they’re trying for a baby the old fashioned way. Why? There’s still just as many babies out there in the world who need love, aren’t there?
Maybe people ask straight couples this if the straight couple is also using a fertility clinic, for whatever reason. But this is something else to look at: why should the people who are struggling to get pregnant be the only ones who are expected to adopt? They shouldn’t.
I understand why people ask, because as two women we straight up can’t make a baby the same way a man and a woman can, and adoption fits into the non-traditional ways of growing your family. While this is all good and true, the thing you need to check at the door is the judgment. Aka the second part of the question about all the kids who need love in the world. Don’t put that on me. Don’t put that on anyone.
Why We’re Not Adopting
I am very open to adopting. I’m not someone who’s ever dreamed of being pregnant, nor feels like I need to give birth to have a baby. I never have been, and I’m still not. Before I was a yoga teacher, I was a school teacher and a full time nanny for my early adulthood life. I know for sure that I can fall in love with a child, even if they don’t come out of me.
In fact, I often thought I would adopt. This was something I told past partners that I wanted, should we ever have kids. Past partners being guys, by the way. Meaning, I could’ve made a baby with them the “natural” way, and all that.
This post is going to outline what’s changed for me between now and then, as well as why we’re not adopting (this round…maybe ever, who knows). There are many factors to consider with adopting, and these factors are heightened when you’re in a same-sex relationship.
Let’s get into it.
Illegal For LGBTQ Couples
Yes, you read that right. It’s illegal for same sex couples to adopt babies from MANY countries still. Check out this chart to get a better understanding, because honestly, it’s way too many countries to list.
When I tell people this, usually the first thing they ask is:
“Then why don’t you just adopt a baby from your own country.”
Like it’s super easy to do. Oh, you want a baby?! Sure, no problem! Coming right up.
It doesn’t work like that.
The truth is, if you’re white like Alix and I are, adopting a white baby from your country of origin would probably be the hardest route to go.
When Alix and I talked about adoption, neither of us felt like we needed a baby to look exactly like us in order to be their mother. We vaguely knew it was easier to adopt from outside of the States, but also wanted to make sure it was done in an ethical way. But, when we dug into it, we realized that many of the countries with high adoption rates don’t adopt children out to LGBTQ families.
Cost
Yes, fertility treatments are expensive. Whether you’re doing IUI, IVF, surrogacy, or something in between- all of the testing, procedures and appointments add up fast. I mean, c’mon, did I mention that sperm costs $1,200 per vial?
Even though we have incredible insurance through Alix’s job (perks of corporate life), they still don’t cover the sperm costs. So that means you’re dropping at least $10k on just jizz– maybe more depending on how long it takes you- plus the storage fees at the cryobank. And if you don’t have insurance, then you’re also paying for all of the genetic testing, blood tests, and the IUI itself. Adding up to tens of thousands of dollars.
So yeah, IUI is expensive too, even though it’s cheaper and less invasive than IVF.
But still, adoption is quite a bit more.
Let me be clear in saying this isn’t always the case. If you have to do IVF for many, many rounds then you’re looking at upward of $100k for all of those procedures. So, a lot of it really depends on how long it’s taking you conceive via IUI or IVF, and also what your insurance is covering.
Insurance won’t cover the cost of adoption, whereas it does cover all of our medical expenses with IUI (not the sperm, that’s out of pocket). So now, you’re trying to start a family and pay $50k – $100k for an adoption agency, and then bring a baby home who- guess what- requires even more money to keep alive and well!
Of course it’s possible to save and family plan financially in a way to make adoption totally feasible. However, it’s something that would really need to be on the forefront of your radar from the starting point, because of the large overhead.
In our case, it makes more sense to use the insurance coverage while we can so we have even more money saved for a bigger house and for the baby themselves.
Time
The fertility journey is kind of like one long, brutal waiting game. Ugh, those two weeks of insemination to the first blood pregnancy test feels more like 5 years than just 14 days.
Time is prevalent in all areas of the fertility conversation. Think about the idea of women aging, your eggs depleting at certain rates by particular ages, so on and so forth. Not to mention wanting to be a certain age by the time you have kids so that you’re not running around after a toddler when you’re 50. Timing is a constant part of the conversation with fertility.
We don’t know how long it will take for our baby to show up in my belly (keep praying for us), but we know we want to give it a solid try through the IUI method first. And if that’s not working, then we’re open to IVF. If that’s not working, then we’re open to adoption or surrogacy.
Adoption can take several years. And, like the IUI or IVF journey, it’s a grueling process. It’s often not linear. And it requires a huge emotional and energetic investment to stay in it to the end point. We’re choosing to put that same investment into IUI…for now. Who knows what will happen, we might change paths down the line. But we can’t do it all at once. I know that I don’t have the capacity for that.
While there is certainly a chance that we’d get an adopted baby before I give birth to one, I just know I can’t do the years of waiting right now.
Living in Multiple Countries
How can I describe our lifestyle? Different. Nomadic. Constantly changing.
We have two homes: one in Nicaragua and one in Florida. Currently, we spend 6 – 8 months in Nicaragua a year. But that will likely shift in the first year or so of the baby arriving. Florida is more of a means to an end, a bouncing point that we store our stuff, and use an investment property and Airbnb. All of the rest of the year, we’re traveling.
I know our lifestyle is going to change when we have a baby. Hell, it’s already changing now just in this planning process, because of all the appointments and timing of it all. Plus, I feel like I’m already nesting and settling and just ready to chill for a bit. That’s a whole other post, though.
The reason all of this is important is that you need to prove a stable home life- physically, mentally, and emotionally. We have nothing to hide, and we’re so proud of the love, kindness, and trust in our relationship. But, we also know that from the outside the way we live is unusual. And because of the constant moving, would even be considered unsuitable.
In some ways, it doesn’t matter that Alix is an exec at a huge tech company. Or that I run my own successful businesses. Sure, we have financial stability, but it’s not necessarily enough. This is especially true if we decided to go through the foster care system. You can’t just take that kid out of the country. Hell, I’m not sure you’re even allowed to bring them out of the state!
You have to remember that a huge part of our life is in Nicaragua.
We have a business there, dogs, a staff of 20 people to take care of, and a home. This isn’t just a place we flippantly decide to go for half the year, just because. If we weren’t able to travel at all, this would seriously impact our life. None of this is even to mention the fact that our families live in other states.
Don’t get me wrong, if we got to a place where nothing was working at this was the sacrifice we needed to make- we’d do it. It probably wouldn’t even feel like a sacrifice, because when you want a baby that badly you’ll do anything to make it work.
We’re just not there (yet…maybe ever). As of now, we still have options. And we’d like to exhaust those first before drastically flipping our lives upside down even more so than will already naturally happen with bringing a baby into it.
Of course I’ll keep you all updated on if or when things change- assuming that sharing still feels good for me, that is. In the meantime, we’ll keep trucking along with IUI. And we’d love it if you continued to hold us in your hearts along this process.
Thank you for your support so far. And above all else, be kind to one another out there. This is a really sensitive process to go through.
A little kindness goes a long way.
xx,
K