I’m Gay, But I’m Not Woke
She’s doing it. She’s talking about politics. And just in time for the elections, might I add.
I must be deranged to think this is a good idea, because the reality is that I’ll get eaten alive by social media people regardless of what my views are. I mean, c’mon, I think we all know that politics are a *touchy* subject, to say the least.
Which is why I figured sharing on the blog might be a little, I don’t know…..safer? Rather than sharing in the wild, wild West that is Instagram. And don’t even get me started on Tiktok. That place is otherworldly when it comes to commenters.
But here, on my teeny tiny blog, in this quiet corner of the internet- I just might be able to actually talk about it openly.
Let’s see how this goes.
I’m Gay, But I’m Not Woke
Okay first things first, let’s address the elephant in the room. I’m gay now? Like, what?
For any of you who follow along closely, then you’ll know I’ve identified as bisexual or queer ever since I met my (now) wife. And both of those things are still true.
I don’t know, I guess the longer I’m married to a woman, the more gay I feel. What can I say? The gay agenda is hard at work, ya know.
No, but seriously, I’m sure other bi people can relate to the fluidity of this identity in that it can literally change on a daily basis. I know that might sound a little whacky for people who are totally straight, or totally gay….but it’s actually something I love about myself.
I get bored when things are the same for too long anyways.
Okay, but deep diving into my sexual orientation and identity is really another post for another day (that will probably never happen, because- let’s be real- no one really cares about that other than me).
So, what’s up with the elephant on the screen with us.
I’m not woke?!
How can that be? Especially if I’m a woman! Especially if I’m gay!
Honestly, it’s pretty simple really:
I think woke-ism is unhealthy, and non-productive for real change.
Phew, I said it. Actually, for as simple as the answer is, it was still kind of hard to say publicly. Hmm….I wonder why? Maybe because of the cancel culture we all live in that’s- ya know- all thanks to woke-ism.
Sigh.
I know, I know, we don’t need another white chick on the internet talking about how to cancel culture “just isn’t fair.” Trust me, I get that.
And also, I’m not talking about fairness. I’m talking about the health of our society. And I’m talking about the desire to strive towards real change to achieve equality and acceptance.
Politics And Identity
Does anyone else find it crazy that just about every single thing we do is now politicized?
Think about it, if you hear someone eats a carnivore diet, then you assume they voted for Trump or they listen to Joe Rogan.
Whereas if someone is vegan, then you assume they vote Democrat, and probably go to protests about human rights.
Has there ever been another time when our freaking diets have been politicized? I mean, I know things have been heightened for the last 10 years or so, but seriously ... .what we eat?
Another great example is where we live, if we’re lucky enough to get to choose that.
When Alix and I moved from California to Florida in November 2020, people would either nod knowingly and say something like:
“I get it. I’d leave California, too, with everything going on.”
Or, they’d cock their head to the side in confusion, and ask:
“But I thought you guys were…..” trailing off to fill in the blank with “gay,” or “democrats,” or whatever.
The truth is, we moved to Florida at that time, because we were about to start building our resort in Nicaragua, and we knew we’d be traveling back and forth a lot….with our dog. Florida is only a two hour direct flight to Nica, whereas California routes took at least 15 hours or more.
Our move was out of convenience, rather than politically driven.
But to others, that choice was “making a statement.”
Wild, right?
We’ve experienced the same thing being in a gay relationship. Most people assume all gay people vote for the Left, and people on the Right are purely made up of bigots and homophobes.
When the reality is, there’s a hell of a lot more nuance to identity than the binary labels for each party.
The point is, I think we can all do a little better (yes, even me!) when it comes to assuming someone’s entire belief system based on what they wear, how they look, who they date, where they live…so on, and so forth.
Maybe, just maybe, we’d have more productive conversations with one another if we asked questions, instead of making snap judgements.
Just a guess.
Why I’m Not Woke
Dogma sucks.
For those of you who already know me (well, as good as you can via a parasocial relationship, I suppose), then you’ll be like:
“Kayla, we get it! You don’t like extremes, or to be put in a box.”
But hear me out in relation to woke-ism, okay?
Many of you have heard me talk about dogma in yoga, in that I don’t devoutly practice any particular style or school. And if you’ve taken my classes, then you’ll know my style is a fusion of yoga styles, and other movement practices.
You’ve also heard me talk about dogma in religion and spirituality, particularly if you read my recent post about homophobia and yoga or my take on the wellness industry being sick.
Take any practice or belief system in the world, and guess what? It can become dogmatic when it’s taken to the extreme.
Even healthy practices like exercise or striving to eat nutritious foods can become toxic when taken to the extreme.
Dogmatic thinking tends to be pretty black or white, all or nothing, this or that. The gray area no longer exists, and because of that- there’s often little room for conversations around the topic. The person with the belief thinks their way of doing it is the only way, and anything other than that is unequivocally wrong
Reading this, it’s easy to see how that doesn’t really make sense. We all know that life and human behavior lives in the gray area, which is why this binary thinking tends to fail us.
However, it’s important to remember how easy it can be to see something from the outside, versus when we’re inside the emotion of it.
I mean, think about it. Have you ever given your friend really good advice about the shitty person they’re dating, but failed to take your own advice the next time you’re in a toxic relationship?
Or maybe you used to judge parents for how they handled their crying kids on airplanes or restaurants, but once you had your own you realized how freaking hard it can be.
The same thing can happen with dogmatic thinking particularly around politics, as there’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in our belief systems. And, at the end of the day, I truly believe people who end up on these extreme ends of the spectrum are really just fighting for what they perceive to be right.
From what I’ve observed, having woke beliefs is seen as a badge of honor. While having alt-right beliefs are often spoken about in hushed tones, because you’re afraid to vocalize them publicly.
The truth is, being woke and being alt-right isn’t all that different. Sure, the beliefs themselves are different. But the rhetoric, the way people fight, and the extremity of the beliefs are the same.
Both of these parties live on the ends of the political spectrum, and tend to be a minority group of their actual party. There are plenty of Democrats who don’t believe in woke ideals (hi, it me), and there are plenty of Conservatives who don’t agree with alt-right narratives.
I don’t know, maybe it’s my yoga and Ayurveda background, but there’s something in me that strives for balance in all areas of my life.
Knowing, of course, the cliche saying is true in that balance is a journey, not a destination. (ugh, I could probably buy that Pinterest style quote in a frame off Etsy, I know ... .embarrassing.)
I might hate when cliches are true, but I’ll always be the first one to admit when they are. And this is one of them.
It’s not like you have a balanced day, and then think: I’ve arrived! I’m here! I’m officially balanced now. And just magically never have to work at maintaining that sense of balance ever again.
No, it’s an ongoing, twisty, curvy process. We all know this.
This process is one that involves a constant checking in to ensure that you’re still doing your best to wobble there in the center of it all.
Take the exercise example I used before. Say you start exercising to get stronger, so you come up with a routine to support your goals. You feel really good about your routine, so you start staying longer at the gym, or booking more classes. Before you know it, you’re skipping your rest days altogether, and putting your workouts before anything else in your life.
Something that started as healthy and balanced took a turn somewhere along the way. And without those constant honest check ins, you could be in the deep end without even realizing it.
I say all of this for a few reasons:
- I’m not here to bash woke people, or alt-right people.
- I can understand how each group got there.
- I believe each party is coming from that good place of fighting for what they believe to be good and true, regardless of if I share the same beliefs as them.
It’s easy to end up in extreme camps, especially when it comes from a place of passion or deep emotion. It’s also easy when you feel like you’re doing “the right thing,” and getting affirmation from echo chambers online.
As a gay person, it could be really easy for me to stick my finger up at all Conservative folks out there and say:
“If you voted for Trump, then you can’t be in my life.”
But I don’t. Not because I want you to congratulate me in the comments, and tell me what a good person I am. But because I have a desire to actually understand both sides of the spectrum, and can be in the same space as people I don’t agree with.
In fact, I find being around people who have a copy and paste brain and belief system to be boring. I want to be challenged. I want someone else’s point of view to force me to open my mind to another possibility of thinking, instead of just validating every word that comes out of my mouth.
The long and the short of it is that I’m not woke, because I don’t see that belief system as balanced in the same way I don’t see the alt-right belief system to be balanced.
In my opinion, both groups take reasonable arguments from their respective parties, and run with them to the edge of the earth until we’re in a place where we’re afraid to touch receipts, or choose to “cancel” people online for saying they support Israel.
Both groups take it too far.
De-Influencing My Political Beliefs
Maybe this whole post has pissed you off. Honestly, good! Maybe that will get your wheels spinning, and your mind to creak open. Even if it’s just an inch.
As a gay person, I thought I had to be woke. Like there was no separation between the two.
But then I realized I was more Kayla than I was gay, or Liberal, or anything for that matter. And that means I get to live in the gray and question the hell out of everything I’d been told.
Here’s what I did:
First, I did a check in to figure out what I believed regardless of which party endorsed these beliefs. I separated myself from the political labels.
Then, I checked in with the media I was consuming. Was I in an echo chamber? (Shocker, I was.) And I intentionally diversified what I was consuming.
This part might be challenging for some of you, should you choose to follow in my footsteps. Because I know it was challenging for me.
I’m not kidding when I say I started listening to podcast episodes of certain figures (let’s keep them anonymous, shall we) who I really didn’t like, and who had political beliefs that I considered to be the exact opposite of my own.
I continued to consume some of the same content I was already into, and then also looked for a few little sprinklings of what I considered to be “middle ground,” which was actually the hardest to find of all.
Lastly, and probably hardest of all- I did my best to listen without judgment. Let me be clear in saying I didn’t (and still don’t) do this perfectly. It can be damn near impossible sometimes.
But here’s the thing, the more I consumed diverse points of view while making a conscious effort to do so with an open mind, I found a few things.
Firstly, I found compassion for those I used to consider “the other side.” And I’m not talking about compassion in the lip service kind of way that spiritually bypasses the issue at hand. I’m talking about compassion that I could actually feel in my body, that felt true and real.
It’s important to note that feeling compassion isn’t the same thing as agreeing with someone. These people didn’t change my mind at that moment, but the experience changed my heart. Kinda cheesy, but true.
The other thing that happened throughout this process was me figuring out who I actually am, rather than worrying about who I’m supposed to be based.
I realized that, yes, even as a gay person- I actually agreed with some Conservative points.
*Gasp*
What Are My Political Beliefs?
Spoiler alert, I’m not going to tell you who I’m voting for in this post, because I don’t want to “influence” anyone on something as serious as who to vote into office to lead our country.
What I do want to do is influence you to vote at all. I’d also like to influence you to do an honest check in with yourself to figure out what the hell your true beliefs are, rather than trying to fit yourself into a box of who you think you’re supposed to be.
What you’ll find might surprise you.
You might also be surprised if you take it a step further to dig into what each political party has historically fought for in the past.
Take freedom of speech for example.
This is something that used to be front and center of Democratic rhetoric. And now? We see it ever-present on the Right.
Same issue, same concept, even same verbiage….but still somehow it’s completely flip flopped over the last few decades.
Interesting right?
This is actually the perfect example, because I am someone who does believe in freedom of speech regardless of which party is touting it. Something as simple as saying I believe in freedom of speech used to feel scary to say out loud, because of the way it would be perceived. Even though the people judging me the most would be the same people fighting for that same right in our parent generation.
Make it make sense.
I’m also someone who doesn’t think the government should be involved in decisions we make with our bodies. Interestingly, Conservatives have been fighting against government medical intervention since potential mandatory vaccination during Covid.
And yet, they’re also the same people who are pro-life.
The same could be said for Liberals, in that they’re notoriously pro-choice. But also extremely vocal in mandating a vaccine.
When you separate yourself from the label of each party, connecting instead to the belief itself…..well, it makes it pretty damn hard to know which “side” you fall on. Because they both have a way of talking out of both sides of their mouth.
I’m someone who believes in trans rights. And also, someone who believes medicalization should involve informed consent for adults only.
You’re allowed to believe something that spans across the political spectrum. You’re allowed to hold beliefs that are represented by both parties.
Sure, that makes casting a vote a little bit more difficult when you let go of this idea that you have to jump on board 100% of the ideals held by one candidate or another.
But it doesn’t make it impossible. And it certainly doesn’t mean you shouldn’t vote because of it.
The best part of all, it helps you get to know you a little better.
What’s not to love about that?
Enjoy the ride, my friends.
xx,
K