Complaining Versus Toxic Positivity
The other week, someone commented on one of my Instagram posts that I was complaining too much, because I was talking about how the previous month was rough on the fertility front.
My first reaction was anger (surprise, surprise), knowing that anyone who would comment something like this on a post about infertility clearly had never experienced such issues so maybe they should just
SHUT THE HELL UP.
But I do this new thing now when certain comments get under my skin, and I think about why.
Because the truth is that I can laugh at a lot of the negative comments. So why is it that some of them stick with me for the rest of the day? Heck, I’ve had some of them stick with me for months.
Sometimes it has nothing to do with the comment itself, and more to do with whatever is going on in my life. Other times, they just caught me in a sleep deprived, emotional day. Or maybe I just found out I had another negative pregnancy test.
However,
Most of the time, the comment upsets me, because I wonder if there’s truth in it. Whereas the ones that I can laugh off are so ridiculous that I don’t even consider them to be true at all.
And that’s exactly what this person’s words did to me…..
They got me thinking about any truth that may be behind what she was saying.
Am I complaining, or am I just sharing about my life (as I always do), which happens to be a little heavier than usual?
Am I complaining, because infertility fucking sucks, and it’s okay to complain sometimes?
Is it my job to inspire and uplift people?
Would it be more harmful to cover the pain of infertility with toxic positivity or with complaints?
I’ve had a few weeks to think about it. This is what I’ve come up with.
Complaining Versus Toxic Positivity
I should start off by saying that I usually get a little cringed out by buzz words, especially in the mental health sphere….
Because they usually get overused, and then watered down as a result.
But there’s just something about toxic positivity that rings so damn true after spending the last decade deeply immersed in the woo woo wellness world of it all, that I don’t even care if I’m contributing to the hype of it. In fact, I think it’s important to bring more awareness to it, because it can be sneaky.
So, for anyone who’s reading this, and wondering what the hell toxic positivity is- I got you.
You know how even things that are good for us can be unhealthy when consumed or practiced or interacted with in an unbalanced way?
Think about people who have dealt with orthorexia. More often than not, people with orthorexia usually start by simply having a desire to be healthy. Or perhaps they’re even actively healing some sort of illness or chronic condition. So they cut refined sugar, and gluten, and “clean up” their diet in an attempt to feel good.
They’re making these choices from a place of love for themselves, to make their body healthier, and to feel good over all.
But then, it can turn into an addiction to eating as “clean” as possible. Even if that means skipping meals, because there’s not a “safe enough” option. It can also lead to developing a lot of fear around food, which creates anxiety about eating at all.
Okay fine, you caught me, I’m speaking from my own experience here.
Needless to say, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel good in your body. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier. And there’s nothing wrong with looking at the food you’re consuming, and changing it up to be more nutritious.
The scary part only happens when you tip the scales of balance, and moderation turns into extreme.
We see the same thing with exercise, an undoubtedly healthy activity when done in excess is no longer good for us.
Positivity is the same.
We love an optimist, right? We love “good vibes” and positive thoughts. Hell, most of us were raised on The Secret, thinking that what we put out into the Universe will come back to us if we’re focused enough.
Plus, no one wants to be the Eeyore of the group, ya know? Downers don’t really have the best rep, and we all know how it feels to be around someone who’s just mopey and complaining, like, alllllllllll the time.
While positivity is typically known as a “good,” while negativity is typically known as “bad,” the truth is that even when the good one is taken out of balance it’s no longer healthy.
Enter, toxic positivity.
Let me give you an example:
Someone is sharing about grieving the death of a loved one, and the person listening responds with, “everything happens for a reason.”
How many times have you heard that when you’re at a low point, and it kind of makes you want to slap that person across the face, but you never really knew why?
That’s because they’re totally bypassing your emotions and your needs at that moment. Even if you believe “everything happens for a reason” to be true, it’s not really helpful when you’re in that low place, is it?
The overall gist of toxic positivity has to do with dismissal of feelings, or minimizing feelings. It’s the sort of attitude that’s like, “it could be worse.”
And guess what? You can do it to yourself, too. Actually, I think it happens more often than not, especially when we’re in an environment where people around us do it often.
I’m definitely guilty of this, but it’s something I’m working on. Both with myself, and how I interact with others.
As opposed to brushing off your own hard experiences with a phrase like, “it is what it is,” take a moment to actually allow yourself to feel whatever the hell comes up. More often than not, we don’t want to do that, because the feelings coming up have historically been labeled as “bad.”
Maybe it’s pain, sadness, anger, or grief. Perhaps it’s frustration, resentment, or jealousy.
It can be scary to feel those things, because it can be hard to separate ourselves from our emotions. And we think, oh shit if I feel this gross feeling, does this make me a bad person?
The answer is no, it does not. It just makes you…..
A person.
Feel To Heal
Last year, I created a yoga series on my app called Feel To Heal after going through my first year of trying to get pregnant, and multiple pregnancy losses.
I was drowning in grief, and I found that the one thing that was keeping me afloat was literally just allowing myself to feel it all. Rather than shoving stuff down, or dismissing my experiences as something that “could be worse,” I simply let myself be. Exactly as I was.
It was hard, and wildly uncomfortable at times.
But I realized that when I allowed the emotions to run through me exactly as they were in the moment….
They’d actually pass through more quickly.
Rather than getting stuck, and looping back to the same thought or feeling over and over, because it was left unresolved.
I translated this into asana and meditation in my Feel To Heal series, because I knew if I was struggling with this seemingly simple concept of just allowing myself to feel how I actually feel, then other people probably would be, too.
And, obviously, one of the safest places to just be is on your yoga mat, ya know?
Needless to say, this whole experience is really what got my wheels turning more about toxic positivity, dismissal, and validation. I started to notice when I was doing it to myself, and also when I was doing it to others.
Again, I’m nowhere near perfect. Like, not even close.
I still suppress stuff. I still say the wrong things to people in their time of need. Yes, I am flawed. I think that’s pretty clear.
But I will say that the first step of change just comes from observation. Notice when you do it to yourself. Notice when you do it to others. And like a real yogi (haha you know what I’m talking about if you read my post last week), do your best to observe the pattern without judgment. Just notice it in order to make little shifts as needed moving forward.
If there’s one thing I’ve taken away from two, excruciating years of trying to make a baby, including multiple pregnancy losses, and insurmountable grief it’s that:
My feelings are valid.
I literally don’t have space to feel guilt or shame about my grief. I don’t have the space to feel bad about potentially complaining.
But I can reflect on finding a balance between complaining and toxic positivity.
Balancing Complaining With Toxic Positivity
Even though we all know social media isn’t real, because it’s this curated little made up world on the internet….
There’s also a part of it that is very real. Because even if you show up as a caricature of yourself online, you still have the same behaviors. Meaning, even if this whole thing stemmed from one stupid Instagram comment, it can apply to everyday relationships, too.
I don’t want to show up online and complain every day, the same way I don’t want to only talk about my problems whenever I talk to my friends.
And.
I personally have always painted a pretty full picture of my life online, rather than only sharing the highlights. Not saying everyone has to share that way online, but it’s just my natural way of being. I can’t explain it.
So, that means if I was sharing about a hard month with infertility with an “everything happens for a reason” message, that would feel inauthentic to my actual experience. It would feel fake, forced, and disingenuine to the actual feelings I had which were
This fucking sucks.
I think the part that got to me with this person’s comment was that they referenced me *always* complaining lately. Meaning, it wasn’t just this one post.
I literally went back and looked at my posts from that month, and then the last two, three, four months to see if there was truth in what they were saying. Because the truth is, sometimes you can get so caught up in your misery that you don’t realize you’re doing it. And honestly, if I was complaining in the majority of my posts, then I wanted to make a shift.
Spoiler alert: I wasn’t. There was about one post a month that talked about fertility stuff. There was some gay shit from Pride month that might be perceived as “complaining,” because I’m talking about inequality of rights.
But other than that, I’m slanging yoga classes, teacher trainings, and my newest course about how to plan your own retreats.
Like, couldn’t be farther from complaining.
Hell, I’d even shared about my egg retrieval being way easier than I expected. And how I was pleasantly surprised with the whole process, the results, and my recovery.
Anyways, I don’t need to get into the nitty gritty of every one of my shares over the last quarter. The point is that I fact checked her, because I wanted to know the truth.
I wanted to know the truth, because if what she said was true, then I wanted to change that.
Yes, my Instagram has always been a kind of open book, diary situation. But I also didn’t want to be trauma dumping incessantly without even realizing it, ya know?
The concept of “feel to heal” is another example of something that’s helpful and healthy…..
But when taken to the extreme, it can actually be harmful and unhealthy.
The point of the “feel to heal” practice is to allow feelings to pass through freely, so that you can move on rather than staying stuck. If I was just in my feelings all the time, day in and day out, then I wouldn’t be moving forward. I’d be stuck in my grief.
This is when I came to the grand conclusion that the best way to balance complaining (or the idea of “feel to heal”) with toxic positivity is to put parameters around it.
I have no problem with a pity party when life is hard. Trust me, we’ve had a hell of a year with a lot of lows. We’ve taken our turns with pity parties.
And.
If we stayed in the wallowing, woe is me place then we never would’ve moved forward into this incredible new chapter that we’re about to start.
If you’re in a place where shit is hard, and you want to vent, but you also don’t want to be labeled as a complainer. And you also don’t want to pretend like shit isn’t hard, because it is, and you’re not wanting to go the dismissive route of toxic positivity, then….
Literally give yourself a time limit for the complaining, pity parties, whatever it is.
If you’re like me, and sharing your life online, give yourself a set number of posts per month that you’ll “complain” or vent.
If you’re worried about being too much of a downer when you’re talking to your friends, but you still want to share about what’s been going on, then literally give yourself a set amount of time to get down in the dumps. Perhaps you even tell them about this time limit, so they can help keep you accountable.
Balance Eeyore energy with Tigger vibes (why the Winnie The Pooh references, I don’t know?) in that life can be hard, and also you can trust whatever is next. You can be pissed or sad, and also be hopeful and have faith.
You’re allowed to feel everything, and also remember that being in the extreme negative is just as detrimental as being in the extreme positive.
As they say, life is all about balance.
Enjoy the ride.
xx,
K
