The Wellness Industry Is Sick

Who else heard that podcast (you know the one….one of the biggest “wellness” podcasts in the world) a few months back where a nurse told millions of listeners not to get mammograms, because being exposed to that level of radiation was “dangerous?”

Or maybe you saw one of the biggest yoga accounts in the world announce a new retreat where they’d be “holding space” for trauma in a group therapy setting…..even though they’re not a qualified therapist or counselor of any kind.

If not, then I’m sure you saw your favorite wellness influencer tell you how your home cleaning products are toxic and killing you slowly….even though they’re face can’t move from all the Botox they get. 

Here’s the thing, you can take the girl out of the wellness world, but you can’t take the wellness out of the girl. 

What I mean is, I’ve officially left the wellness world. Like, with a big middle finger as I walk away. 

And also, I’m still over here sleeping with mouth tape, using my red light mask, and going on hard on my skincare. 

While there’s a part of me that still loves the idea of wellness, and is downright addicted to some of my practices….

There’s an even larger part of me that sees the industry for what it is:

It’s a world that preaches the idea of being well, while operating from a place of sickness…..or better yet tOxiCiTy, if you will. 

The Wellness Industry Is Sick

If you’ve been staying up-to-date with me, then you know we’ve been in a vortex of pure fuckery lately. Like, one curveball after the next. 

And sure, I shared about my identity crisis as a yoga teacher, but what I didn’t share about why I’ve also officially denounced the wellness world, as well. 

Look, it was really a compilation of things that slowly started building up. And then it was like once those Goop lensed glasses were off, there was no going back. 

Suddenly I could see everything more clearly than ever before. 

Wellness And IVF

It’s no secret that I’ve been going through a hell of a fertility journey the last two years. And when I first started, I was still steeped in celery juice of it all if you know what I mean. 

I’ve gone through my entire fertility process in a clinic, because I’m in a same sex marriage, so we don’t really have the opportunity to just shoot our shot at home, ya know? That being said, in a medical setting, there are usually medications involved. 

Now, you can absolutely opt for natural inseminations, and even natural cycles for embryo transfers. However, these are costly procedures. And the reality is that you want to do anything you can to increase your odds of it working, right?

That being said, medication is kind of king when it comes to fertility stats. 

The problem is that when you’ve been deeply immersed in the wellness world for….I don’t know, my whole life? (My mom is pretty au naturale, crunchy yoga teacher type, too)....it makes it pretty hard to reconcile your beliefs of “natural is better” with five million pills and injections every day just to make a baby. 

So, I changed my mind about IVF, and opted to do natural IUIs instead. 

And honestly, I don’t like to live with regrets, but this is something I wish I did differently. 

Let me be clear in saying I don’t blame anyone but myself for this. I made my own choices, and now I’m living with them. But damn, I wish I had a better grasp on reality way back when. 

Why?

Well, for one, I’m pretty certain I would’ve been pregnant (maybe even have a baby!) by now. I mean, we can never know for sure, but….

And also, because the egg retrieval process was actually really easy for me, which is the thing that most people claim is “the hardest part.” More on that in another post. I’ll go over everything I did there. 

The problem was I was so afraid to take medication that I “didn’t need,” or maybe even to take medication at all, that I didn’t want to interfere with my body’s natural processes until it got to the point that I literally had to. 

And guess what?

This was reinforced and congratulated online in the echo chamber of wellness that I lived in. 

“Good job, proud of you for doing this the natural way.”

“Thank god you’re not doing IVF, that’s way too hard on your body.”

“Your body knows what it needs to do. Trust.”

And then guess what happened?

When I did decide to take hormonal intervention, I had a slew of backlash. 

“That’s so bad for you.”

“Good luck with your little Frankenbaby.”  (yes, this is a real comment)

“You’re obviously not a real yogi if you’re doing it this way.”

First of all: fuck off. 

Second of all: maybe don’t tell strangers online how to family plan, or take care of their health. 

And third of all: why are a bunch of non-medical professionals attempting to consult me on my health?!

We all know I’m not a mom yet. But the thing is that ever since the moment we decided to have kids, like officially, that mama bear instinct has kicked in. 

I am protective as hell, not only of my own body and energy in this extremely emotional experience. But also of the health and wellbeing of my child. 

I know, I know. It’s not normal, or natural, or healthy even to go through your fertility process in such a public way. It opens you up to a lot of feedback that can overwhelm you in an already fragile state. 

Unfortunately, I’ve been both blessed and cursed with the need to share stories online. I did the same thing when I had 200 followers, and I’m doing the same thing now with hundreds of thousands. It’s just who I am. It’s how I process. 

Plus, I love that sharing my story helps to comfort other mothers, or women trying who are struggling with their own process. Helping even one person feel less alone makes it all worth it. 

And. 

If I wasn’t sharing all this publicly, then guess what? The spell of wellness probably never would’ve broken. Because this was really the first crack in the Black Mirror of it all. 

The Charlatans Of Wellness

So, I’m starting to see through the bull shit, right? I’m skeptical, but still not convinced that it’s all bad. 

But then it was like once I noticed it, I couldn’t stop seeing (and hearing) it everywhere. 

Some podcasts that I loved sounded different. Ahem, the mammogram example from before being the perfect example. 

The influencers who I followed who seemed to have a “healthy” “balanced” life actually looked extremely restrictive and disordered when I looked more closely. 

And then there were the big names who I never trusted at all, because….well, I think they’re profiles speak for themselves. I started seeing large news publications write exposes on these people, or see victims of theirs speak out on their own platforms online. 

It was like a house of cards, really. 

Watching the all girlies telling women the only way to give birth is at home, unmedicated, and unsupervised because that’s what our aNcEsTeRs did….all the while they’re filming themselves on a freaking iphone with a filter to spread their message of their primal lifestyle. 

Or how about the one who slang supplements and powders instead of, I don’t know, eating real food? (yes, I still take supplements but I also get most of my nutrients from food). 

Like, if I see one more influencer pretend they actually like the taste of AG1, or that they *truly* see health benefits from it…..I might just chuck my phone in the middle of the lake and never look at it again. 

Just kidding, I’d never litter like that. But you get the gist. 

But the thing that really puts me over the edge is when people who are unqualified, decide to lead psychedelic therapeutic retreats. Or other group therapy type gatherings where they encourage people to go to the depths of their trauma with no actual psychological support in sight. 

Cough cough, Teal Swan. Looking at you. 

And not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I am a bit of a marketing whizz, okay. This is no secret given the fact I actually mentor other solopenuers how to start and scale their businesses. 

So, it’s pretty damn easy for me to see through the skeezy marketing tactics of people- like Teal Swan- who literally use SEO to optimize their visibility for vulnerable groups of people. I’m talking as vulnerable as those who are suicidal. 

Yeah, it’s dark. Really dark. But true.

And she’s not the only one. I mean, you already know how I feel about the Medical Medium after my experience with celery juice. 

Let’s not forget the characters like Aubrey Marcus who might just be leading a cult right in front of our very eyes, but marketing it as “personal development” and “deepening consciousness.” Even though the events cost tens of thousands of dollars. 

Sounds enlightening. 

The list of names goes on and on. 

While I’m not going to share each and every person here, what I will say is that you can practice your own discernment as a consumer by watching the problems these people hyperfixate on…..and then noticing how they magically have a solution for you. Usually with a high price tag.

Does Wellness Even Care About Mental Health?

What put me over the edge, you ask?

Allow me to paint the picture for you. 

I had my fourth failed IUI of the year, while experiencing an adverse reaction to the hormones, and also coming to terms with my only sibling rejecting me because of my gayness, and I couldn’t sleep. 

Also, I felt like I was losing my mind, as my brain couldn’t stop looping back to suicidal and/or self harming thoughts. 

I was scared I wouldn’t be able to control the thoughts for much longer. 

I was scared of myself. 

Even still, I felt horribly guilty about even having the thoughts. Knowing it would kill Alix if I did anything to myself. 

I didn’t want to put all of that on her, so I stayed up late Googling mental health facilities near me. I really felt like I would be safer with round the clock care. 

The thing was that Alix had just lost her job. And I didn’t really want to fork over tens of thousands of dollars for treatment. 

So, I thought of what else I could do right now to get help. 

And then I found a psychiatrist who specializes in fertility, made an appointment, and went a few days later. 

I’ve never taken medication for my mental health before, even though I’ve struggled with depression since childhood. 

Even after my abusive relationship came to an explosive ending landing me in the hospital, and him in jail, resulting in a 9 month long court case, and an official diagnosis of PTSD, anxiety, and depression as a result of recurring night terrors and debilitating behavior that got in the way of me living alone….I still didn’t take anything.

There was something about taking medication for mental health that felt weak. 

That felt like I was cheating. Taking the easy way out. 

There was something about it that felt deeply shameful, and even more scary. 

Like, I’d lose myself if I got help. 

After I went to the psychiatrist, I left with a prescription that I filled but didn’t take for another month. 

Even though I was up all night on the brink of actual death, I still managed to gaslight myself over the course of that month into thinking it wasn’t that bad. Maybe it was all in my head.

But as my hormones continued to change as I entered the egg retrieval process, the darkness started to creep back in like fog on a San Francisco afternoon.

I knew I wouldn’t get through IVF without the help I needed. 

So I took the damn pill. 

And guess what?

Those pills have saved my life. I can say with confidence now. And don’t worry, I’m going to share a whole post about this soon, promise. 

As I recalibrated, I reflected on where the resistance was coming from when it came to taking a medication that would quite literally save my life. 

Why was that so hard for me?

And then I heard all of the yoga-esque wellnessy whispers of natural being better, and pharmaceuticals being evil echoing through my head. 

I knew exactly why I was so afraid to help myself. 

Which made me do the only thing I ever do in these situations….speak about it online. I mean, I knew that if I was feeling this way, I wasn’t alone. 

Plus, I wanted someone who might be struggling to see that you can be a yogi and you can take antidepressants. You don’t have to choose one or the other. 

The backlash. My god. 

I don’t share this to be like, poor me. I have thick skin, okay. I’ve been doing this for a decade, and most of the time, I really don’t care what strangers online think about me. 

I share this to illustrate my point:

The wellness world doesn’t give a shit about you actually being well. Because if they did, they would support you taking something that saves your life. Even if it’s not natural. 

I realized that I didn’t want to be someone who got cancer, but chose to get coffee enemas instead of chemo in the name of wellness. 

Let me be clear in saying this is not me trying to convince you to take anti depressants (which is what I got accused of in my post). What I am trying to convince you is to take your wellbeing into your own hands. 

I’m trying to convince you to give a shit about yourself, because all of these industries that we buy into- pharmaceutical and wellness, alike- do not. 

If you want to go to the jungle and drink Ayahuasca to treat your mental health, cool. And also, if you want to take a pill every day for your mental health, cool. 

If you want to meditate, great. And if you want to see a psychologist, awesome. 

Guess what, I’ve done both. 

I’ve done it all. They’re all great for different reasons, and for different circumstances.

There is no one way. 

Similarly if I got in a car crash, I wouldn’t want someone to treat my gaping wounds with herbal remedies and prayers. I’d want surgery and antibiotics. 

I’m not against the woo woo wellness of it all. I still go to acupuncture (yes, even though I got nerve damage that one time). I still meditate every day, and practice yoga every night. Also, I still use my sauna blanket (link to higherdose blanket), and drink electrolytes. 

I live my life in a way that centers my wellbeing, while stripping away black and white beliefs about what it takes to feel good in my body, mind, and heart. 

The illness of the wellness industry is simple. It’s built on the same guilt, shame, and purity culture as organized religion. Made up of a million “if you _____, then you’re good/bad” statements. 

How did a bunch of hippies get duped into the same dogmatic thinking that comes with the very structures that so many of us chose to break free from?

How did we not realize the very practices that were intended to keep us well, instead, made us feel like failures time and time again?

Being stressed about perfection isn’t healthy. 

Living in fear of toxins (that we’ll inevitably encounter in our modern world, by the way) isn’t healthy. 

Judging ourselves and others for their lifestyle choices isn’t healthy. 

Ignoring our body’s needs in order to follow a set of rules isn’t healthy. 

And choosing the possibility of death for the sake of doing things naturally sure as shit isn’t healthy. 

This is my official resignation from the wellness industry as it currently stands. 

And my plea for someone, anyone, to make wellness well again. 

xx, 

K